Neurodiverse people are all different, however many of us have certain common behaviour patterns. There is no ‘one size fits all’ pattern and just like a NT person, we’re all unique and we all have our own ‘quirks’ and strategies. It should also be pointed out that I am still learning to accept, acknowledge and love my own quirks as part of myself. This is all part of accepting my autism and how it helps to make me, me and that helps enhance my own uniqueness self.

I am learning and my own personal growth is important to me, it also means that I am starting to recognise my own behaviour and it allows me to accept it or try to change. There’s always going to be points of high stress during which, I will want to find a quiet corner and sit and wait for the world to slow down, or for my ND brain to process it.

So what do I personally do in order to help balance me?

I find huge benefits in following my obsession, which is mountain biking. I spend probably far too much time thinking about it or talking about it. I enjoy other things, which support the bike; I run (which again, I do enjoy and I find my competitive streak) and I use the gym (after my work out yesterday, I’m not sure that I enjoy the gym!)

Aside from this, I also have my ‘stims’ this is behaviour which helps me to keep calm, to relax or to express stress. These include tapping my fingers, clicking my forefinger and thumb, like many people with autism I use very rigid hand gestures: my fingers rigid etc., I have also noticed that I rock when I’m deep in thought or concentration and other have pointed out that I rub my scalp. I also, struggle to sit still for any length of time. I’m an avid film fan, but I rarely go to the cinema as I find it difficult to not get up at least once part of the way through a film: I’m not being rude or disrespectful of whoever I might be with, nor do I have an overly sensitive bladder. I simply find moving, pacing, or doing something for a couple of minutes helps my focus to return. At home, I watch a lot of movies, although frankly it can take all night to watch a two hour film, with various stops, pauses and self-distractions. This behaviour simply helps me to express myself or to self-soothe. Those around me can often tell from my actions that something is on my mind.

When I worked in an office, I would disguise this with trips to the printer, the filing cabinets or the coffee machine. In teaching, I can be a more active person, moving around the classroom environment and involving myself with my pupils.

I must admit that I had a couple of very interesting conversations recently in which two different NT people  has ‘learnt behaviour’ from a ND sibling. I am lead to understand that this is common and there are certainly academic articles to support this.

Well, it has been a stressful week, for one reason or another. However, I’ve got through it, intact and my senses seem have settled down.

This week has consequently been lousy in relation to riding or any form of exercise.

Stress and anxiety affects us all differently, but for me, the sense of my stomach knotting, feeling of nausea and increased sensory feelings. My own awareness of this means that I now notice my stimming, something I never used to notice.

Anyway, this is very short post as I have studying this afternoon. But, I can state that our obsessions; in my case, mountain biking, really does make the world that much less overwhelming. So, in short, whilst our obsessions may be all consuming and we may on occasions, be reminded to get back on track with other things, these passions do help to bring us a great deal of happiness. I will sometimes need reminding to stop talking about them…

Sunday Social

I had a conversation only yesterday in which I was told that “I thought that only girls mask their autism”. I think that this is both incorrect and deceptive. Most of us mask our autistic traits to some extent, in some circumstances and I don’t believe that this is specific to either gender.

So, what is masking?

Masking is where a person with autism learns to act in a PNT manner in order to ‘fit in’ with a PNT world. For myself, I have worked in areas which require me to be ‘very socially overt’, I can do this, if I’m ‘playing the role’, but the reality is that whilst I can be a social creature, I favour small groups of people, or even better, just one to one interaction.

Using a personal example, for those of who struggle with making direct eye contact, I find that finding a point on a person’s face and focusing on that point, leads the other person to think that I am making eye contact with them. I can make eye contact, but it’s not comfortable for me for me to hold eye contact with a person (cue an earlier post in which I mentioned not recalling the eye colour of several ex-lovers). If I know you and recall your eye colour, you are very unique. Honestly, it’s not my being disrespectful or inconsiderate, it’s simply not natural for me to stare into someone’s eyes.

As a child, I was taught that manners dictate that I should look at a person when they talk to me. I was in school at a time when an ASD awareness would have followed pretty much only as a direct result of social, communication difficulties, combined with obsessive tendencies coupled with a substantial learning delays. So, I am one of many who fell within the ‘missed generation’. Therefore I was taught things as a course of simply good manners, I also had manners and etiquette drilled into me, although as I like rules, following them seemed normal, at least during childhood.

On a similar fashion, I could pretend to be loud, confident and extrovert. Hell, I’ve run club nights and events, as well as performing stand up comedy amongst other things and these are all within the realm of someone who can deal with people (apparently). The truth is that I love music and I’m happy to entertain, because I can control that, in a world in which I don’t have enough control over the outcome of events or sufficient comprehension of how to interact with people; so ‘holding court’ is another method in which I excel at masking my autism. (Again, I can talk at people, rather than with them!)

Should we mask? 

That’s a difficult question and one I wouldn’t wish to dictate how someone should behave. I’ve recently opted to reduce the amount that I mask my autism; in my opinion, I am a person with autism and that autism is part of what makes me unique and, without it, I feel like I’m not letting people see the true person. However, in professional life, it’s necessary to blend in a little and I’ve no doubt that a certain amount of masking within the workplace will always happen. Outside of the workplace, I see little benefit in hiding who I am.

Is it gender specific? 

There’s nothing scientific that I’ve read to prove this, nor would my own experiences say so. Again, I remind anyone reading my blog that I do not extend myself as any kind of expert, in anything other than being me; in fact, I am the best person I know at being me.

 

Every person, regardless of whether they are PNT or ND handle stress in different ways. Personally, I spent years in high stress-working environments and I always convinced myself that I was fine in such. The reality of the matter was, that I found distractions, many of them unhealthy ones, I smoked at least a pack a day and I was usually in the pub as soon as I could escape the office, usually leaving when the pub closed. I also vented my stress on others, becoming irritable with people and so on.

I also worked as a successful alternative DJ and Promoter for about a decade, something I enjoyed throughly, again a high stress role. The benefit was that at this point, I combined drinking and working. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy a drink and on occasions, I drink more than my doctor tells me that I should. I also never want to be in the position where having a glass of wine or indeed abstaining is no longer my choice.

I was never really aware of the ‘other things’ I did to combat stress. Most of these have been pointed out to me. Remember, these are specific to me personally and that any person with autism or asperger’s is different, although there are certain common tendencies.

Other things I do which aren’t necessarily a ‘stim’.

I’m very keen on organisation, to the point that I plan everything to a greater or lesser degree. This can, and does, involve extensive use of ‘To Do’ lists, a whiteboard, iPhone reminders. But, before anything get to this stage, I tend to vocalise my thoughts; frankly, I talk or mutter to myself.

Another thing, I’m prone to is pacing. I pace backwards and forwards like an expectation father, this generally happens whilst I’m on the phone to people. In fact, I can only think of a handful of people throughout the last decade or so I don’t feel the need to pace whilst I’m on the phone with.

Finally, and anyone who knows me in person or spends time getting to know me; I ramble. This, is apparently not uncommon. For those us on the spectrum, one of the common difficulties is social interaction and communication (some people distinguish them,  whilst others and personally, I’m not convinced that they aren’t both different sides of the same coin.)  Some of us don’t speak at all, others struggle with verbal communication and then, there are some of us, who either don’t shut up, or don’t always realise when it’s someone else’s turn to talk.

Many people with Asperger’s have higher than average intellect and have higher than average language skills, but the misnomer is that because we have an extensive vocabulary, we are efficient at conversation. I’m good at communicating in so far as I’ve trained and mentored others as well as having taught and I am intent upon qualifying as a primary school teach: I can get a point across, I’m good with making an argument or proposal. My problem is that I struggle with the finer points of conversation, the subtle exchanges and non-verbal signals, amongst other things.

And forward to the now: – 

At times, I like the telephone. I like being able to contact my people on a personal basis. I’m not so good with official calls. I’ve spent some time today resuming my saga with Student Finance England and their subsidiaries and agencies. These calls, require my planning and knowledge that I am going to have to (1) make the call, (2) probably get bounced around different people, companies and so forth, and finally, (3) incur a lot of stress in doing the above, even if I get the achieved result.

These calls have taken me three days to make! Six different numbers, four different people and two call-backs. I might finally have the answer I need, to the one question I was asking.

 

I thought that I’d discuss something about ‘Savant Syndrome’ because many people assume that a person with autism has some amazing mathematical or artistic ability. Not true, in fact, maths and I have never been particularly fond of each other. My mental arithmetic is generally good, but the numbers get jumbled up in my brain.

Some people, have Savant Syndrome as a co-existing condition to their autism. However, in amongst the numerous people I know with autism, I can’t think of one person with Savant. It is rare. More likely is it that a person with autism will have co-existing conditions including depression, anxiety (I often wonder whether my mine was the result of autism, as a side effect or whether they are completely unrelated, although I suspect not) or other conditions including epilepsy.

So, in answer to the expectation that that “Are you like Rain Man?”
No, no I’m not. I do however, have an exceptional memory for the spoken word, I can recall and recite verbatim conversation, I remember song lyrics, poems I learned in school and other such things. Which is realistically only any use in antagonising those who can’t recall the same; I can tell that it antagonises people because many of them have told me.

This past week has been a rather arduous one, with a lot of meetings, running on differing time zones, different recruiter and parent and subsidiary companies, none of which are clearly identifiable. All of which lead to a huge increase in my anxiety levels and my general feeling of frustration, confusion and anxiety that I might inadvertently miss something. This lead to a major meltdown on Wednesday, plans being cancelled and several people told where to get off. As I have mentioned earlier, this behaviour is not intentional, it’s not something I have a lot of control over, it just feels like the pressure inside of me is too great and that something needs to give, in order to relieve that pressure. I also felt utterly drained and despondent and was probably in bed before 7pm.

Thursday, I handled it a little better. I simply opted to re-prioritise and re-schedule things which were too much for the following morning. I then decided that my mental health was more important for the afternoon and went and did something which makes me happy; I rode my bike.

Friday, I coped a lot better, partially because I spent some time on Thursday starting to organise a plan for the following day and as such, the day went without incident and feel productive.

I think that the fact is that I can longer live on my nerves, it’s not healthy. I must also remember that there are people around me who will listen on those lousy days (although sometimes, they keep differing hours – consider that Friday started at 5am!) I’m also reading and trying to educate myself as much as possible about ASD and to find ways to cope and conduct myself with minimal impact upon my life and the lives of those around me. It’s also important for me to remember that my obsessions often bring me great satisfaction and happiness and this should not be forgotten.

Thought for the day: There is a plan… Some things I can control, some things I can only influence and some are in the lap of the Gods. 

Sunday Social Ride

Stress and autism

Further information on stress and ASD

I’m having one of those days in which I have several objectives, all of which I am let to understand need doing immediately.

Having to focus on several things, all of which are time sensitive and relatively complex or involve outside agencies, is stressful for anyone. For me, this stress increases with amount of frustration which results from something not happening correctly in the first place. Thus the mental anxiety results in a physical sensation; in my case, that of a ‘knot’ in my stomach, increased heart rate and increasing overload. I very nearly told my lawyer to stick my case, as in all honesty, the stress of the pre-litigation process and and now into litigation is overwhelming (consider that I used to litigate for others). Cue me sat in corner stimming, rocking and playing white noise trying to block out the world.

I was supposed to be riding this evening, my shoes are still wet from Sunday’s ride and I’m not sure if I can wear wet shoes.

 

Much like anyone, I suffer from lacking energy. This can counter my normal mode of being unable to sit still.

I must admit that the current abysmal weather has helped me; normally I take part in the Bradford Parkrun on a Saturday morning; it’s been a routine that I’ve created for a few months now. It’s good for me, because, as well as running, the events are very social and it forces me to to engage and speak to people I ordinarily wouldn’t. Yesterday though I got up after sleeping really badly, looked out the window and returned to bed.

This pushing myself to speak to people, is often ‘Hi, well done’ or something similar and it’s a positive behaviour as normally I can actually go for a week or more at a time without speaking to people I don’t know, unless necessity provides the dictate – staff in shops, often being the people who I end up talking in this fashion and I will, whenever possible, seek out the same staff, which if they have the longest queue, creates a dilemma. Although, this lately has led to the staff in the local Aldi being a lot less officious with me in regards to the time it takes to pack groceries, than with other people.

Today, I had arranged with a friend to meet up and ride this morning. We discussed the weather and decided that it wasn’t too bad. Then, we both left our respective homes into a deluge. Normally, on a Sunday morning ride, you will see numerous mountain bikers (this is West Yorkshire and excellent Countryside for the sport after all), today, we encountered four, in 15 miles, all of which looked as wet and miserable as we felt. I’m not a fair-weather rider, but I dislike being cold, in clothing which isn’t really designed to keep you warm. Hiking in the Swiss alps, snowshoeing in mountains, cold-weather training in Norway amongst other things, some sports allow clothing and equipment to keep you warm, mountain biking, seems to not consider this as well. Maybe, there’s a niche in the market. Maybe I need to invest in another pair of Sealskin gloves and winter mountain bike shoes …

Today’s ride

This is one of those titles which has the ability to hold more than one meaning. So, I’m going to try and discuss both, (behaviour which others find challenging, and behaviour that I find challenging) a little and how they affect me; not, everyone, but me personally and how this episodes can be reduced. This may, also help others, but remember that in interacting with anyone on the spectrum, we’re all unique and there is no ‘one size fits all solution’. *I will also be discussing mountain bikes * 

Meltdown:

I’m sure that we’re all familiar with ‘autistic meltdowns’ which can involve uncontrolled outburst of behaviour which is generally deemed to be unreasonable; throwing things, stamping of feet, pulling hair and so on. Think of a ‘toddler tantrum’, only in someone who’s possibly older, larger and stronger. Does the person having the episode do so intentionally? No, this is an involuntary reaction to something which is causing frustration, anxiety or stress. It’s no more intentional than a sneeze or an orgasm.

Different solutions work for different people, always remember that interacting with a person on the spectrum requires clear communication, patience, learning and some more patience, with a lot of tolerance and understanding. For me, entering an environment which I know to be, or foresee to be stressful, I plan the activity well in advance: I wear something that helps me to feel comfortable; Personally, I’m a big fan of compression clothing, especially base layers, in either red or black. This feeling of slight pressure against my skin and muscles helps to focus on breathing calmly and slowly and helps reduce my heart rate and lowers my stress levels: I’m still not great if I’m unoccupied whilst in a busy or stressful situation and I will exhibit signs of this (stimming, headstroking are two of mine) but I am better than I was, when I simply avoided them.

Shutdown: 

A bit different to a meltdown; this is a self-protection action, quite simply put, the autistic brain receives too much information or too much emotionally charged information and, in order to protect the person, the brain almost goes into pause mode. This has happened to me, a lot, especially in moments of confrontation. That primary ‘fight or flight instinct’, sometimes, we don’t want to fight, or run. So, the shutdown. Again, patience, knowledge, compassion and understanding…

Things I do which challenge me: 

I have issues with depression and anxiety, common issues for those on the spectrum. One often wonders whether the autism increases these or if they are unrelated.

However, I still do things which push me outside of my comfort zone. In May 2017, I crashed my mountain bike in a local wood, just on the outskirts on Bradford, where I live. The crash occurred on a banked turn (berm) with a narrow entrance and no alternative exit. Now, foolishly, I hadn’t walked or ridden the route before or in advance or riding it that day, or I may have taken looked for an alternative. However, I didn’t, headstrong and reasonably confident in my ability to stay on a bike etc. It was at this point, it went awry, or rather, wrong, very wrong. I crashed and having been aware of what was going to happen, I was aware that this was likely to hurt: I was right! I’m also determined, bloody minded and proud. Using the bike to stabilise myself, I limped out of the woods and took the attitude of ‘if I can get to my local bike shop, the staff know me and can help if it still hurts’. I managed to get to the nearest pub, The Woolpack, famed from TV’s Emmerdale. Before submitted, sitting on a bench outside (the bar was closed), whilst going into shock waiting on an ambulance.

The result of the crash, I broke my leg in four places, and separated the bones in my ankle. I’ve now got a series of screws in place and unless they give me issues, there they shall stay.

                              Yes, that is the screws and the screwdriver on the X-Ray 

This injury took almost a year in recovery and still hurts like hell some days almost a year and a half post accident. The psychological effects are that I lost a lot of confidence, which has taken most of this year to get back; it’s still not fully there, but it is returning. I have to push my mental barriers in order to do this. Tonight is going to be my first night ride in two years and I’m frankly anxious as hell about it. However, I am riding with a large group this evening and an experienced ride leader and guide, so it should be find. But, it is still daunting, I have, consequently spent three days mentally preparing myself for the ride.

My boundaries:

Whilst, I am always going to struggle with certain elements, in this case night rides with a group of 20 people, most of which are unknown to me, I have to admit that last night’s ride was genuinely a lot of fun (except the bit when I went over the bars).

Thanks to Ian of MTB Cycle Yorkshire, who is an excellent guide and Saltaire Brewery.

Brewery Ride

 

 

Now, I always assumed that I had reasonable communication skills, I’m confident in speaking, on a given or known subject and I’m a passionate about some things and can happily speak about them to people: however, my ability to read people means that I’m probably not as good at these skills as I assumed.

I suspect that what I’m doing is simply ‘speaking at people’. It’s something that often those of us on the spectrum do, we fail to notice when people stop listening.For this reason, I was, in the past confident to stand on stage and perform a comedy routine, or to present cases in court; this is oration, and not conversation. I’m good at talking, I’m not quite so good at conversation.

The distinction, between talking and conversation is that the former is a one sided process, whilst the latter, is very much interactive.

We often fail to notice subtlety. It’s not to say that we can’t learn some things which will help us to detect cues; personally, I’m a big fan of ‘brain training games’ (for reference, I use Peak, everyday), one of which involves a couple of timed games which ask you to identify a person smiling, in a large group of photographs. Now, to the neurotypical person, this is quite possibly an easier task than for a person who isn’t (I don’t know, I’m not, never was, or ever will be NT, so this is supposition). However, it’s something which can be challenging for me, as not all smiles are a broad grin showing exposed teeth or such, as such, I find that this is good practice at recognition of facial expressions and as such, I think that it’s certainly worth trying for those of us who are on the spectrum. After all, we cannot become neurotypical, but we’re capable of learning and adapting, therefore making the most of our wonderful and diverse abilities.

A conversation I had yesterday with someone I sit next to in a classroom (I having to retake a science in order to teach at primary school level, so this involves the panic of having to sit in a classroom full of people I don’t know and only see for a few hours a week – which is terrifying) involved her asking why I consider that I have poor social skills. I explained the above, although I suspect not quite as clearly. I also stated that for the first two weeks of the class, I only spoke to people when I needed to and otherwise, I remained silent – some people would assume, falsely that I keep quiet by choice, the reality is quite the opposite, it simply takes me longer to engage and some people I will simply not engage at all, or only under sufferance.