Masks

The National Autistic Society offer an exemption card for those who’s autism means that wearing a mask creates a sensory issue.

I wear one at work when dealing with personal care for clients and I took to wearing one before it was recommended by the U.K. government, mainly because I understand aerosol based germ transmission and have a rudimentary knowledge of biology. I see keepkng possible germs to myself as considering those I come into contact with, I haven’t been able to work from home and my job is very much based in the community.

Personally, wearing a mask allows me some unforeseen freedoms. I often mutter and ‘think allowed’ and plan much of my routine in this way. Doing so behind a mask allows this to be hidden and draws a lot less attention.

It also means that I don’t have to smile aimlessly at people. If I’m reallt happy, it shows eegardless of wearing a mask and on a day to day basis, it helps to camouflage when there’s nothing really wrong but I’m also not wandering around in a state of ecstatic bliss either.

A further benefit for myself is that the mask, whilst hot and sometimes inconvenient, the mask helps to reduce transport fumes, which make me want to claw my skin off.

Yes, it can be hot and uncomfortable, but we’re all in this together and from my own experience, and everyone on the spectrum is different, there are silver linings within the cloud.

In this uncertain time, we have no assurance that a cure will be fast, or efficient so why not try to make it fun.

Co-existing conditions

I admit that I have been fearfully lax in the last couple of months in regards this blog. Like many, the stress of lockdown has taken a toll. Everything has become a lot more unpredictable and us on the spectrum like predictably.

Racing is non-existent at the moment and the only race left in the season, may or may not happen: it has changed venue at the very least.

Work has been stressful and the lockdown has added further challenges to the role. Until recently, I had stopped taken medication for these, having appeared to have ‘got  a handle on them’. A couple of months back I had a massive mental crash. I won’t go into details and I can only liken the crash to a pressure kettle, when the pressure inside grows too strong, the cracks begin to show and unless the pressure is removed, or decreased, eventually there is a explosion.

These things might equally lead to a meltdown, but the effects are a lot more long-term, but at least can be subject to treatment. The world is a scary place and at the moment, more unpredictable and therefore scarier and placing additional demands upon us all. Hence, I think this is why depression and anxiety are frequently co-existing. We struggle with aspects of commication and interaction with others, after all. Those working from home may become increasingly isolated and insular and that is a cause for concern as practicing social skills is part of our neuroplasticity.

I think that it is vital, for both NT and ND worlds to remember that it is perfectly alright to not be alright. Ask for help, seek opinion, if you need to seek advocacy or mediation. Whilst budgets in the U.K. are cut to the bone by austerity and misappropriation, the charity sector can provide help.

Anyway, stay safe and well. Until the next time.

Review in two parts

I’ve not posted a review in a little while, so thought that I would do a review in two parts: a trail and a piece of kit, I attempted to use trailside.

First of all, the trail: –

Yes. I rode this bit…

Haleigh Park, Befleet, Essex. Home of the 2012 London Olympic MTB course.

I hadn’t ridden this trail since 2015, when I was visiting friends and family in the U.K. whilst I was still living in Switzerland. Then I was riding on a hire bike and I had zero experience of UK trail centres.

From a spectator’s perspective, it is an amazing course; it’s possible to watch so much of the action without changing vantage point. From a riding perspective, it’s tough. I’ve ridden and raced on international world cup courses whilst in Switzerland and those were easy in comparison.

I currently live in West Yorkshire. So a four hour or so drive each way. So, is the payoff worth the investment?

It’s worth stating that the course is free, parking is inexpensive and the facilities, i.e. The Hub are very good. Obviously seating indoors and access to the bike shop on site are very restricted due to Covid-19. However, it’s possible to gain technical assistance and refreshment and the toilets are clean, well serviced and more than adequate for anyone not wishing to use a changing robe in the carpark (as I did).

I travelled down with my partner, who doesn’t ride, but supports me in doing so and is more than tolerant in regards to my obsessive behaviour and tendencies towards all things mountain bike related, also in the car was a friend, Ian. Bikes in question: my regular Cube Reaction C:62 SLT and his Cannonade Habit (e-bike).

The carpark allowed ample space and we parked next to a rather ratty Aston Martin (still an Aston Martin, but the paintwork had certainly seen better days).

There is an excellent skills loop, offering a preview of the type of trail features on the course itself. This, I must add, is rather better than other trail centres I have encountered a skills area on. It’s also a rather fun area just to have a quick spin around.

The course itself? It’s an Olympic course, designed to challenge the best athletes in the world. So how did two guys in their middle ages find it? The climbs are fairly brutal (this being stated by a guy who actually enjoys climbing!) the drops are steep and the chutes are terrifying. Rock gardens are unforgiving as everything is set into place in cement. Therefore, it is challenging. I certainly opted away from the black lines, riding reds and occasional blue sections.

We did find that in places the trail is rather in need of TLC; sections we bare and trail lining material was visible in many places. Additionally, on most berms, grip just wasn’t there for me in the rear, riding Schwalbe Racing Ralph Addix Speed Compound. Discussing this with my riding buddy, we were both of the opinion (opinion, we are not experts), that the berms would benefit from being ridden more and that lockdown a lot of wet weather had caused an ‘all season surface’ to deteriorate. He also stated that the weight and centre of gravity on the e-bike helped with traction; indeed I did loose traction in some places where he retained it.

It seemed a shame that a venue as prestigious as Haleigh was just let down by what appears to be maintenance. I also realise that trails require volunteers and that requires time, sweat and having the freedom to give both and I praise those who do the job, not just here, but at every trail and trail centre.

In summation of this section was the ride worth a 9 hour round trip?

If I lived within an hour or even a hour and a half, each way of Benfleet. Yes, undoubtably. In fact, I would probably look at coaching, which is available to help me in skills and confidence to do the sections which frankly terrify me. However, I live in West Yorkshire and there’s excellent riding within an hour or so, including the Peak district, the Lake district, Cannock Chase and Dalby Forest is calling me to ride and that’s a couple of hours each way. Plus, I’m about an equal distance to parts of Tweed Valley in Scotland. So, I’m not convinced that I would undertake the drive solely to ride the course again. When I’m in the area, visiting friends, it will be a place to go and ride, but otherwise, I have things which appeal more, closer.

Kit review: Stans Dart Tool

Small, light but does it work?

I’ve had this is small item in my emergency kit for a few months now. It’s basically a tyre plug for those of use who ride tubeless, in order to repair holes in the tube that are too large for sealant to seal. Basically, unless you’re cycling press, most people can’t afford to put holes in £50+ tyres in order to test a product. Therefore, this kind of item remains in your ‘get out of shit kit’ until actually required. Cue, approaching the end of Saturday’s ride and I hear that awful hissing sound…

..Confidently I yell ‘$*IT FLAT!’ and pull off the trail, root around in my jersey and produce the Stan’s DART tool, locate the source of the puncture, spin the wheel a few times to see if it seals. Nope. OK, I say, ‘Let’s try this’ The plug breaks off and becomes litter. (I pick up the litter). ‘Never mind, there’s two of them in a plastic tube for twenty quid!’ Attempts to use the second DART, which also becomes trail litter and also gets picked up…

So the tool designed to get you out of trouble in race situation, is effectively rubbish. Two darts, both of which failed to insert. Maybe the puncture wasn’t large enough, but it’s rare to get anything larger than two or three mm in my experience.

I am trying a new sealant with larger particles, which should arrive tomorrow. Let’s see if that avoids me buying a new tyre before the end of the month…



Worn out or wearing out?

Working hard, training hard. Stressed about Covid-19, lockdown measures being eased: this is current state of play.

Work is demanding, this involves very long shifts in which you never switch off really, even when you’re technically having a quiet moment (literally, I am drafting this whilst having a cup of coffee, with one ear and eye keeping an eye on the client). Again, I expect the job to be demanding.

Training is demanding, but seven weeks away from an eight hour cross-country race, I would hope so. The rewards appear to be developing.

We’re all worried about Covid and the easing of lockdown, or at least we should be. From my own perspective, the unpredictability of the situation, plays hell with my autism; we need routine and order and the world is anything but predictable or organised.

Having to constantly adapt or prepare to adapt is, frankly, exhausting. Not least because I spend a lot of my time having to ease this stress for people who need far more support and assistance than I. I seem to be struggling for writing motivation at the moment, suspecting a slight burnout, so please bare with me. I am intending to post some kit reviews over the coming weeks.

Preparing for the unexpected

So far, I’m still training for races which may or may not be occurring.

I have the weekend off for the August bank holiday, which allows me to compete in the Torq in Your Sleep 6 hour race.

That said, it seems that some non-bike races in September are cancelled this year, including The Great North Run; an event that I have always had an inclination to do. Maybe next year. Goals are vital to me and next year there is quite a lot that I want to do.

In the meantime, it’s important to remain positive, wash your hands (a lot) and keep healthy.

Anyone struggling with mood and keep on technology, have a look at the HeadsUp app, I find it helpful to make a note of my physical, mental and emotional moods on a daily basis.

Plans, training and unpredictability

As I’ve stated previously, amongst the traits which people on the autistic spectrum have, reliance on a routine or plan is one of them. Myself included; that said, I have full comprehension of the fact that the current situation vis a vis Covid-19 has meant that things are rather different to a pre-civid world. I’m conscious of the need to maintain social distancing and limit travel, not really see friends or family etc. All fine, I can cope with this, whilst I like some people, I don’t want or need to be around the vast majority of them, I would much rather be in a small group than a large one, probably why house parties are my personal idea of hell, whilst a dinner party seems like a jolly good idea (plus, I like food!)

Now, I’m really good with plans, I build one for most things, I can build one very quickly. Without it, I admit that things either don’t get done, I get a lot less pleasure from them or they cause me huge amounts of anxiety. I am also reasonably good at what my employers refer to as a ‘dynamic risk assessment’, which means that I am able to assess risk as it might occur and plan around it to limit or reduce harm or incident: this is a vital skill when supporting people on the spectrum. It has on occasion meant that ‘I have seen the ‘stupid’ before I did it’ (not always, but hey, everyone one of us is a work in progress!) .

Anyway, Cv-19 has changed the world, at least for the moment; for how long, we have yet to determine and on this forum, I will refrain from comment on the political handling, or mishandling of a crisis. For me, I personally find queuing incredibly stressful, and now, we have to queue for everything. Apparently all shops are due to open in the coming fortnight and the public are being encouraged, or rather pressured to spend money in order to “kickstart the economy”. My thoughts on this are, ‘Great, more queues to buy shit I can get online without the queues.’ Ergo, I will simply shop online; we won’t be able to browse in the way we could before lockdown; nor for those of us who are sensory, will we be able to touch fabrics. We won’t be able try on items of clothing in store and I can’t be appeased with the promise of a pint or lunch somewhere for enduring the queues and crowds of people all waiting two hours to buy something awful from Primark.

The mountain biking bit: –

So, moving onto my own plans and training. As I have previously stated, I had Covid and frankly it kicked the crap out of me. I’m not fully recovered; I have occasional inexplicable breathless bouts on occasion. I am, however, doing well. My Vo2Max is pretty much back to where it was, my heart rate is good and I’m training and working hard. I had planned three races for this season: all endurance races, Hammers8, Exposure Twenty-four:12, and Torqinyoursleep. All of these were planned on the basis that I had fairly decent endurance and stamina and that I think that I can do at least reasonably well in these multi-hour races.

Outdoors but still indoors. At least I’m not scared of people coughing.

My training has largely been using a turbo trainer at home, my race bike has been having some repairs done (coinciding with me being sick) and is not being serviced and rebuilt. The turbo trainer seems to be producing decent results, although it’s generally hot and uncomfortable. It does mean, that living in a one bedroom flat without a tumble dryer, there seems to a constant cycle of bib shorts either in the wash or drying.

I had managed to arrange shifts to allow for me to do the Hammers8, an 8 hour race up in Hamsterly Forest, in County Durham. However, the event was postponed until the end of October and I’m not quite sure if I want to camp in the North East of England in practically November, it’s also a little too far for me to drive there and back in a day with racing for 8 hours, pre-rides, warm ups and all of the usual preparation and what is commonly referred to as ‘fannying about’.

Sadly cancelled

I have arranged annual leave for a week at the end of July for the Twenty-four:12. This was going to be my first 12 hour race. Yes, 12 hours (ish) of racing a mountain bike. It was also a chance to see family who live in Devon and Cornwall and for my partner and I we were very much treating it as our main holiday this year; we’d brought a new tent, various camping equipment was being replaced etc., I have also invested in a new and very shiny new bar light (I may do a review in a few weeks, once I’ve had chance to try it out).

As such we were both very much looking forward to a few days and a change of scenery. For her, it would allow her a chance to escape from the working from home ritual, meet some of my family (who I don’t see often, if they still speak to me, but all of which live at least a hundred miles away) whilst for me, a change and chance to do what I enjoy, hang around with other mountain bikers, see some family members, go camping and race. Which is pretty much as good as it gets in my mind, at least whilst staying in the U.K.

As we both have the leave booked and the hire car and cat-sitter, new tent etc., we may still try and find a campsite and go and visit, but it’s uncertain whether any will be open or not and whilst I am happy riding on my own, it’s less fun when you don’t have a clue where you’re going or having to stop every five minutes in order to navigate.

*Yes, I realise that staying home and staying safe is crucial, but the reality is that my partner and I haven’t left the house other than as sanctioned by the government since lockdown started, which frankly is showing more respect for the rules than the Government and it’s own advisers have done.

The unknown variable…

The third race, The Torqinyoursleep, is in Hampshire, near Guildford, which is not an insurmountable distance away, but still warranting a hire car and a Saturday – Monday. It’s on a Sunday and whilst the initial plan had been to do the 6 hour race, if there’s nothing else on for the foreseeable, I might as well put my neck on the line and do the 12 hour.

However, here’s the but, the event clashes with someone else on my team being on annual leave. Therefore, I can’t get leave. I have requested that my shifts are based so as to allow me to still get the Saturday, Sunday and Monday, but rotas aren’t arranged this far in advance and I’ve yet to receive any word on whether it is possible. Therefore, I am unsure whether I can race or not. I think that I will simply have to explain this all to my line manager and see if something can be arranged; obviously things such a hire car, cat sitter and such all need to be factored into the equation.

Of course, all of this assumes that any event happens and there isn’t a second spike in the transmission and mortality rate.

Social isolation and lockdown

We’re now on day I cannot even remember the number. I’ve also been sick for a period of six weeks and recovering for a couple.

Change of routine haven’t really affected me too much; I am a support worker, so if I have either been going to work or at home sick. I understand that my routines are important to me, but also the fact that I work shifts means that I try not to get too bogged down by ‘on Friday night, I go the pub between 6 and 9pm’, or ‘I must go out for a walk in the morning every day’. My routine isn’t fixed in that way. Sure, I need to have an espresso first thing on waking regardless that’s 5am or 11am. I also stop drinking coffee after lunchtime as I value my sleep far too much.

I’m fortunate in that I have full comprehension of risk and awareness and therefore I am quite happy to not take unnecessary risks with my health; the jury is still out whether once been Covid-19 positive provides a resistance to further infection or if the virus is already mutating. I can state with confidence, that I really don’t want to feel that I’ll again.

For the cycling geeks, I can state that my Vo2max went from 47 to 32 more or less overnight and only hard work and an effective recovery have seen this return and that took 7 weeks.

Basically, my obsessions involve being able to do things for which I need to fit and healthy and when I’m sick, I cannot maintain those. Ergo, my health really is paramount. As my constitutional law lecturer battered into me, decades ago “There is no such thing as unlimited altruism.” Meaning that I care deeply about others, but that I also have a degree of self-interest.

Therefore, I am happy to maintain social distancing, despite the fact that normally I am a person who hugs everyone. I also have little desire to return to a bar or other entertainment venue until I know that it’s safe to do so and that social distancing is being observed.

I have finally committed to a proper training plan during the last couple of weeks and already seeing results, although after being sick, improvement is not necessarily an improvement upon 8 weeks ago. Also, my race bike is in for a repair from a crack in the seat stay and having just brought a power meter to only use it once, I have yet to assess improvement or not on an actual trail, rather than a virtual environment, which has become more important during my recovery.

Maintaining a positive mental outlook has become increasingly important over the last year or so and even more over the last couple of months: having suffered from dark days, weeks and months in the past, I simply do not want to return there. The “black dog” can sit in a kennel and sleep quietly, we’re both aware of each other, but I’m not wanting to wake him.

The lockdown will pass and some kind of normal will return. In the meantime, I am rather enjoying a greater degree of wildlife, less traffic noise, a quieter commute and less hustle and bustle.

I have races planned. Fitness is improving and I am looking forward to competition again. I thrive on plans and enjoying the planning.

I don’t have all of the answers and life is rather less than certain at the moment. However, I’m just happy to be me at this point and having an understanding of how my neurological composition affects me, the main thing is having a plan, but accepting that it may not be 100% certain and that uncertainty isn’t anything I can control.

Covid-19 and it’s challenges

It’s a new and unprecedented world at the moment. Most places being on lockdown and the prospect of the virus changing the way we live and for those of us on the spectrum, our routines.

I’ve been quiet for the last few weeks, because, I myself have been sick. I’ve been admitted, albeit briefly to hospital being unable breathe; this was a scary experience, with paramedics arriving at my home in full ‘hazmat’ suits. I was diagnosed with Covid and a chest infection. Two weeks later and my breathing is starting to become normalised.

Like many competitive athletes, I measure a lot of metrics; heart rate, VO2 Max, lung capacity, sleep patterns, even mood. All of this data can be analysed for marginal improvement or to show if something is wrong. Being this sick has thrown everything way out: I am four weeks behind on my training programme and the only real exercise has been one ride and one decent walk, in almost a month. Normally, I would be climbing the walls, but I’m not. I am slowly recovering, because, frankly I cannot do anything much more than that.

Normative behaviour for people is changing as well. For me and others on the spectrum this is more difficult than others. I have routine, I plan everything meticulously and I can be resistant towards upheaval. That said, I am attempting to be pragmatic about the situation as negative emotions mean that I am far more given to depression and that’s something to desperately try to avoid.

So I, and we need to create new ‘normal’ and acknowledge that this will change in time. We have no idea of how long lockdown measures will be imposed but I suspect, with only a rudimentary knowledge of biology and hazardous materials, that some level of restrictions are going to be with us for a long time, at least until there is either a cure or a vaccine and who knows how long that will take.

Training, once I can is going to largely consist of turbo training, indoor which is hot and uncomfortable but it is productive in building power and endurance. Anything outside will be kept to simple trails. There’s no point risking an injury from riding anything technical and requiring emergency services and treatment; the hospital staff are doing an amazing job and adding to their burden is selfish. For reference, anyone interested I use a Tacx Satori smart trainer and Zwift as software.

I am looking forward to being able to go for a run again. This, can be done with minimum risk and cross training is important.

I miss living in nature, when in Switzerland, where I lived in an alpine village and had trails to walk, run or ride on my doorstep. This will always been my long term future goal.

I suspect that gyms are going to be closed for a while, but we have balance boards, a Swiss ball, a couple of kettlebells and other stuff which will allow for some strength work.

For socialisation, I have been reliant upon social media and technology for a long time, this is the result of living further away from friends. So, phone calls, Facebook and all of those things have continued to offer a normal.

I am also considering doing an online radio show during the lockdown; I cannot run club nights for the time being. My partner and I have found an interest in houseplants, the challenge being something that isn’t toxic to cats.

So, the challenge is staying healthy and well. Goals and ambitions have been second to fighting one hell of a virus and I cannot recall a time in which I have felt quite so physically battered and when I have had so little energy, yet my emotional and psychological state has been so stable and positive.

With the simple fact that the virus is going to impact upon all of our lives for some time yet, it’s important to create new routine. Once I am fit to go out and back to work, this begins; in the meantime I can starting planning new norms.

It’s also interesting that English case law has determined that for people with autism who enjoy exercise, they are not restricted to only once a day, but social distancing must be adhered to. This recognition that some individuals have greater need than others, hopefully this will make people’s quality of lives better and for me in a support worker role, it allows me more scope to satisfy my service user’s needs, albeit, subject to a great deal of other restrictions.

Stay safe, stay home and stay well.

In lockdown

The reason I am currently quiet is because I am recovering from what is being treated as a case of Covid-19: thankfully it would appear to be a mild case, but it’s not been a pleasant experience.

Day 12 of being at home so far. I can envisage that turbo training will become an integral part of my routine; it’s pretty good at producing results for the time crunched and upon recovery, I return to work and back being short on time.

So looking at life and my routine during this time; I miss several aspects of socialisation, I miss being able to freely take a walk, to ride with friends and have a pint afterwards. The reduced volume of foot and road traffic suits me: I was, in large, happier in a Country with less people and crowds anyway and with a partner who deals with crowds badly, less people make us both less anxious.

I have since lock down, found an interest in cat-friendly house plants and have a DIY terrarium kit on order. Increasingly, shopping is undertaken online and we’ve even found beer deliveries.

It’s strange how the definition of ‘key worker’ has changed; going from often seen as “unskilled labour” to vital to the nation. I am one of those people. Am I actually unskilled? No, not at all, I require a higher level of continuing professional development than a lawyer. I am trained to administer medication including restricted medication. I am a creative problem solver, working with a pre-verbal individual means that you need to determine a person’s wants and needs. Planning and project management, report writing, risk assessments, health and safety, food hygiene, infection control and many other things come into my role.

Hopefully after the pandemic finally ends, whenever that might be, these key workers, who have kept the nation running will receive better treatment, greater recognition and an increase in salaries. Rather than just the elite few city brokers and bankers getting six figure bonuses which they largely drink and snort anyway.

Who knows what life will be like in the days, weeks or months to come. I suspect that it will change many people and force change upon others. Arguably, as a planet, we need to use cars less, exercise more, waste less and consider other more. Will this happen? Only time will tell I think.

In the meantime, stay safe, stay well and if possible, stay at home.

Weird place

Like everyone else, I find myself in the midst of the pandemic confused and disoriented by this disease and the effects upon the world and those around me. No one can predict the effects, the spread or whether or not the individual will maintain their own health in the face of a challenging and unprecedented situation.

Working in a support role, I find myself as a key worker, not quite sure of what or how to do anything next. In line with policies and procedures, hygiene has been stepped up; the service users are on lock down as one is displaying flu-like symptoms. None of the staff (all of which are excellent) know how long we will be locked down or how things are going to pan out.

In short, it all feels very strange. The normal routines which help the service users in line with their support plans are now subject to a whole raft of ever-changing rules and procedures. The service users are board, frustrated and unhappy (as well as one being unwell). They don’t understand why and all we can do is make being in isolation as comfortable as possible.

For me, it all feels rather dreamlike; I crave order and certainty and there really isn’t the usual level of these things at the moment. As such, my anxiety is far too high and I am really not functioning at my best. But I guess that I am functioning, that means something. I am trying to create order in amongst the chaos; as such at work I throw myself into endless cleaning and disinfection; coupled with monitoring temperatures and increasing fluid intake.

I have found that my sense of time is out of synch and even with a watch on, time still feels abstract. The fact that most people appear to be following lockdown again makes everything feel strange, so few people around. Although whenever I seem groups of people I tend to judge them adversely.

In the meantime, at least I can get out and train this afternoon and training alone isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I will look forward to company when I can have it but in the meantime I will try to keep this part of my life reasonably normal.

Stay safe, maintain distance from others and minimise contact with people who are non-essential. Listen to advise from the government and employers and try to be nice to each other.