Rest week

I’ve never been overly good with rest and recovery. My obsessive tendencies mean that I want to do the things I enjoy, every day. This means that I often end up overtraining and not making the improvements I am capable of, or those I want.

This and the fact I have remembered that I am capable of pushing myself further than I have been, because I allow myself to be defeated, by myself. Mentally, a lot of us do and I have been looking at this recently.

I find that I follow obligations and commitments well, rules and plans as well as structure help a neurodiverse mind. With this in mind, I am starting to work with a coach, Natalie Creswick teamheadset. I will put a link on the links page. This will help with structure and routine as well as ensuring that I am training in a beneficial manner, rather than just ‘banging out junk miles’.

Plus, a lot more yoga… daily sessions of a minimum of 15 minutes, again I will put a link to the course I am doing on the links page

Further to this, a couple of sponsors, in the form of Torq Energy and Sundried clothing and a new team, Team JMC. So, let’s hope for some actual races this year.

Expressing frustration

This is something which I feel is worthy of discussion, because at some point, anyone around a person with autism is going to encounter ‘behaviour which challenges’; i.e. meltdowns.

Meltdowns can take many forms, frequently the can be aggressive or appear to be a ‘temper tantrum’. Quite simply the person simply cannot process something; now this might be a major thing or a minor thing. This might result in violent behaviour, such as banging their heads or punching themselves, throwing things or what would appear to be wilful acts of destruction.

The main difference between a meltdown and a tantrum is that a tantrum is wilful behaviour: ‘I’m not getting my way, so I will respond in a fashion which punishes or embarrasses, so as to get my own way in future, or to get my own way now, to avoid continuation of the behaviour’.

Meltdowns put quite simply aren’t something we have a great deal of control over. I’m personally high-functioning and I don’t tend to throw things, kick things and so for. I do, however inter alia scratch my skin, rub my head and generally get incredibly irritable.

Now a meltdown is physically and mentally exhausting.

Research identifies 6 stages in a meltdown: –

(1) Calm:

Everything is normally happening.

(2) Trigger:

Something will trigger the start over a sensory overload. This can be a great many things, again, we’re all different.

(3) Agitation:

The individual will show signs of distress, this may include ‘visually stimming’ and any self-soothing behaviour or repetitive movement (rocking, banging their head, flapping of hands etc.).

(4) Meltdown:

This takes various forms, but in all examples the individual will display signs of extreme agitation and distress.

(5) Recovery:

Essentially ‘coming down’ and normalising your senses. Sometimes a dark space or generally a quiet and safe space will help with this process.

(6) Resetting:

Normalising behaviour. This in some cases can be the point at which fatigue can hit.

At times of extreme stress, I go into ‘shut down’ at which point, I almost fail to do or say anything and any actions taken by me are generally controlled by my auto-pilot system. This will be done in silence.

So, how do we, or those around us avoid or solve these incidents?

This is an incredibly difficult question to answer as anyone living with a person on the spectrum needs to remember, the condition is very ‘person specific’; what helps me, may not help another person*.

If I am going into what I know to be a stressful environment, I find wearing compression clothing can help me; something tight pressing against my chest or legs has a comforting feeling for me.

Likewise, a heavy blanket can be a comforting thing to have at home. Personally, I’ve always favoured a heavy quilt as it helps me sleep, even though I will, if hot have appendages sticking out at random.

For those people who like sensory distraction, there are various things that can be created at home, from simple craft materials which may help the individual to feel less overwhelmed. I recommend Barbara Sher’s excellent book Everyday Games for Sensory Processing Disorder for ideas on this.

Highly recommended resource.

I also keep some kind of fidget toy in my pocket, or something else I can click. If this has more than one purpose, this suits me in even better. With the weather turning bad and street lighting becoming equally abysmal as part of some Government policy, presumably to kill off the poor, sick, disabled and anyone not funding the Conservative Party I have taken to carrying a small torch in my pocket. I can click this on and off in my pocket if I’m anxious and it also serves it’s primary purpose; plus, I’m a torch and penknife geek (it’s just almost impossible to legally justify carrying a penknife whilst, say, going to the supermarket, in the U.K., unlike in Switzerland, where everyone does and they manage to not go around stabbing each other!)

*I am not a clinician, doctor, nurse or other expert in the field of treating autism. I am simply, an expert on being me. I am a person with autism, who reads a lot and tries to offer advice and assistance where I can.

Complex Individuals

People, in general, are very complex creatures. We’ve millions of signals per minute, synapses, senses, impulses, chemical, biological reactions, exothermic, endothermic, thoughts complex strings of DNA. It’s little wonder that people are confusing.

I recently had a conversation in which someone said that my tastes, as an autistic person, are different from those of another person with autism. A point that they appeared to be surprised by. That’s rather like saying that two people with brown hair are going to like the same type of music.

Sure, there are certain traits by which autistic spectrum disorder is recognised and diagnosed. However, we are not all the same, anymore that two neurotypical people are the same.

Back to basics for anyone not paying attention…

Common threads:

Every single person on the planet differs in some tiny way: We, the autistic community have some areas in which we struggle, mainly in social situations and in having a tendency to adapt rigid or obsessive interests and behaviour.

I recently had an interview and assessment for an organisation which uses various forms of intelligence for analytic purposes; this proved to me that which I break down any problem into components and approach a problem in this manner, I am not an analyst.

I know a number of highly successful people in the IT industry, who can spend hours working on coding: theirs is a very special skill and one in which, SOME people on the spectrum, have excelled in. I also no a lot of other creative people who also fit within the spectrum. Our passions, obsessions and attention to detail can be incredibly useful in certain technical areas. These passions and obsessions can make us very interesting people: they can also lead us to ramble on regardless of how long the other person lost interest in our conversation…

.. sorry about that, to anyone who has had to listen. ‘Now, can I tell you about this power meter than I am considering?’

My own tendency to obsess leads to, when teaching, me giving incredibly detailed notes, handouts and lesson plans. I am, however, taking a slight career curve; as teaching English as second Language is simply failing to meet my financial needs and with this in mind, I have accepted a support role working within the autistic community and helping others, a role that I am very much looking forward to.

My personal obsessions, include my mountain biking and generally keeping in shape to benefit that. I’m not a naturally gifted athlete, and my claim to fame is that I have been overtaken my a several time Olympic and World Champion.

However, as a person who isn’t overtly technical, I know an awful lot about bikes. In much the same way as I’m not an electrician but I can wire up a nightclub setup almost without conscious thought. I’m not sure that on either, I can perform anything more complicated than rudimentary maintenance without far more effort, time, frustration, foul language or things being thrown; so repairs and such get done by someone with a different skill set to me.

It is therefore, important when considering a person with autism to remember that it is a very, very wide spectrum. For myself, I’m fairly high functioning; I can do most necessary things independently and there are those who require a great deal of support and assistance.

I was recently praised upon my honesty in talking about how the condition affects me. I talk about it, because, as a person in my forties before being made aware I read… by this, I mean that I read a lot, I then embarked upon a course to learn more about the condition, which allowed me to understand further and to relate my own experiences to the subject matter. I’m no expert, I just know a little. But in being open and honest about my being on the spectrum, I am be open and honest: why should I pretend to be something I’m not?

If I pretend, then I’m lying and I would rather not. Also, I believe that offering people the information allows them to process it. Also, by being open, I hope to reduce stigma. After all, there is a lot of us out there in the world and I hate to think that people are having to hide: the world is a scary enough place without having to hide and keep secrets.

I have the fortnightly sense of impending dread at the thought of going to Aldi this morning; but frankly I have reduced this fear of packing at the same speed as the cashier can scan the items by telling them that I am autistic and can they just give me a moment to pack.

Anyway, I hope that this helps someone. Whether they are on the spectrum personally, or if the spectrum touches upon their lives.

Anyone wishing to chat can contact me. I am also going to put up more specific cycling content later on this week for anyone interested.

Hair today… Gone tomorrow

IMG_0068_2

Yes, that sweet, badly dressed child in the picture is actually me: just a very long time ago. Note the length of my hair.

I hated having my hair cut, or touched in fact. This was at least during the 1970s, so most people had dreadful hair, meaning that I was not alone.

I had to be forced into having my haircut, generally when I could no longer see through the fringe. I hated the barbers, always fearing that they would cut me. I also hated that sitting still in a queue waiting for something I found highly unpleasant. Further to this, a stranger entering my personal space, armed with something sharp and pointy, with noises from everywhere and people I don’t know surrounding me in what I found to be a highly stressful environment was something to be avoided at all costs.

Consequently, as a child, my hair was often cut by my grandfather, who was an engineer and not a barber or hairdresser in any way, shape or form. This meant that I was less distressed by the experience of having my fringe cut (more often than not, it was as much as anyone could manage), but the reality is that had, at that time, I have had any awareness of style, the embarrassment of the hairstyle would have been mortally distressing.

I have spoken to several people with children on the spectrum and this sense of hating having a haircut is not uncommon. The National Autistic Society offers some advice here.

Further advice can be found here.

Additionally, as awareness of Autism grows, so does the number of people who make efforts to help people to cope and lead as full a life as possible. This includes hairdressers who provide a more comfortable environment for people to have a haircut in and a simple Google search should help most people who are looking to help a child with sensory issues in this area.

Now, personally my hair, when I had some, was always very straight, which made it impossible to do a lot with, especially whilst growing up the sensory issue in this area reduced.

I found that as I was growing up, finding a hairdresser or barbers with a minimal queue to be helpful, preferably one without too much paraphernalia within my line of sight to be beneficial. It was actually rather difficult to do anything much with my hair; and believe me, I have tried.

I stuck with the same simple hairstyle for well over a decade, but it was at least short, neat and suited me, reasonably well.

I then began to become more ‘creative’ with my hair, at about the same time that it started to ‘disperse’. I had a mohawk for a while and then when the hair of the top had become too sparse, I grew the hair at the back into a cue, which was frequently plaited. Laugh, if you must but remember that ‘Hey, I’m a Goth, silly and quirky hair go with the black wardrobe and clumpy boots!’

In a similar fashion, my hair has been, black, blue-black, red (like Scarlet Red), purple, white blonde (for about ten minutes – a Glaswegian friend informed me “You look like a f*&ckin’ lightbulb!”) and on one fateful home dying event, a pinkish-gingery-blonde, best described in the immortal words of Billy Connolly as “Turkish Hooker Blonde”.

My half-brother, who is six years younger than me started to go bald far before me; the difference being that my brother had long blonde hair and is still, to this day, using a carefully haircut so as to attempt to deny what is blindingly obvious, especially on a summer’s day.

In contrast, whilst I had to invest in a hat, life without hair is far easier. It also seems to suit me and in exchange, my facial hair has been cultivated but I despise the ‘hipster beard look’ so it’s kept short and tidy. Again, the beard has allowed me some room for self-expression and has been several colours; more recently, I have embraced it more naturally and accepted the fact that white is overtaking the residual colour.

My advice is that it’s not uncommon and that there is now advice out there and people who are skilled in helping people with sensory problems involving haircuts. It’s also not something common in adults, so the key is patience and understanding. I hope that I have helped a little.

Feeling a lack of control

Roller Coaster

As a person, I crave several states of being and living: control, order, regime and to a degree, certainty. The problem which I am currently encountering is that a large proportion of these are not entirely within my own control.

A couple of weeks ago, I was having a discussion with a person who having served for several years within the military they had now embarked upon a degree in a language, as a mature student and, like many undergraduates (even myself, back then), saw themselves as having a rosy future after graduation, so long as they made the effort to be successful. I remember pointing out that a degree doesn’t actually guarantee you anything, save for a sheet of paper and the entitlement to use a collection of letters after your name. It a may be a conduit to something else, but it’s no longer a case of a degree/masters/doctorate is a guarantee of employment and a more protected passage through life. Those things died out decades ago; I am currently not the only unemployed undergraduate I know of and I’m certainly not sitting on my metaphorical laurels (6 interviews in the last 14 days!)

Currently, my own journey feels rather like being on a fairground ride and I’ve always hated those. In the last few months, I have been messed around more than I care for. In fact, today I have been told to ‘Piss off, if I don’t like it’ by a school who having offered me a role at 20 hours a week, on a good hourly rate some three or four weeks ago suddenly went silent about a start date and face to face meeting. The director of this company then went to China on a business trip and no one answered phone calls, voicemail and email only managed to illicit a reply after 6 requests for an update. The school then re-advertised for online teachers for 4 hours a week and that this was the only reason I had been given the courtesy of a call today (the call was 18 late). I will refrain from naming and shaming the school, but they are based in Leeds and teach non-native English speakers, so anyone who reads this and is looking for TEFL work may get in touch if they wish clarification.

The Autism Act is designed to create a level playing field for those with autism. However, does it?

Reliance on legislation means that we need to make potential employers aware of our condition; which is something we may not wish to share. Once we have informed people of this fact, we cannot retract the knowledge or stigma which might be attached to anyone with any form of limitation.

The employer cannot reject a candidate specifically because of autism, but of two equal candidates, one on the spectrum and one not, well I’m not sure if that has a bearing on helping to make a difficult decision easier or not.

Personally, I’m not good at meeting a lot of people for the first time; it takes me a while to settle into an environment, this can be social or professional. Until this becomes familiar, I will being ‘masking’ and that requires a lot of energy to appear to be able to fit into a large group or appear to be making eye contact, i.e. NT behaviour. Therefore, an interview is a tough process for me and others on the spectrum in most cases; in very rare cases, I find people who I automatically can relate to, but this is rare – I recall once being interviewed by a fellow Goth for a role in a law firm, who I suspect was also on the Autistic Spectrum because we both got rather excited about music, club nights, festivals and so on, to the extent that I’m not sure that we discussed the role or my skill set relating to it the job for more than a few minutes out of an hour long interview.

The problem I have is that my desire for certainty, control, stability and all of the other external things I desire is that I can only control a small proportion of the equation. I can continue making applications, completing forms (which require a lot of energy from me), putting on a tie (I loathe wearing a tie), attending interviews, spending countless hours in interview preparation and research and so on. I’m just hopeful that the result will eventually turn to my favour.

To anyone else in the same position; I wish you the best of luck.